July milestones

July was an eventful month for our little family. In case you missed it, here's the highlights:

July 3rd: A very big day indeed. My best friend, Serenity flew in to spend an extra long weekend with us. Craig's family has come to visit us numerous times, but this is the first time anyone with a primary association to me has come to visit. It was nice. I was starting to feel like I smelled a bit. During our visit, we got to talk, catch up, and laugh. We splurged on delicious foods. We visited around town, such as the Oklahoma City Memorial, the OKC Art Museum, the OKC zoo, and Pops.

Sera and Serenity at the Halo Amok exhibit of the OKC Art Museum.

We even took in a parade (complete with a runaway horse, who was seemingly calmed by spectator member of Jedi OKC-  I can only assume she used the Force). It was nice to have someone here- someone to talk to when I'm feeling down or someone to distract Sera or change a diaper when I'm getting too overwhelmed. I didn't realize how lonely I felt until after she left.
July 3rd also marked Sera's first birthday. Of course, she was spoiled with gifts and presents and has loved every single one of them.

Boxes and paper were a big hit.

Enjoying her new tunnel.

Cake! The bunny candle holder was on Craig's first birthday cake.

Seconds before the cake hit the floor in a moment of excitement.

I think I still may be finding frosting in the dining room.

It is so hard to believe that a year has passed so quickly. During all of the years we waited, it seemed like eons and every setback actually felt like we were reversing time. But the past year with Sera has flown. Every day with her, I feel incredibly lucky. She is a genuinely sweet and happy child. She does test her limits every now and then, but she's just expressing her personality. She loves dogs and is eager to pet (Fred, goats, and other small children). She claps when I sing and dances to music (much to my dismay, she seems to prefer country music and I may be the only non-country fan out there). She enjoys hugging stuffed animals and is learning to kiss (open mouth, tongue extended). Her favorite foods are meatballs and ravioli, but vegetables are a chore. We have resorted to cheering and clapping with each voluntary pea eaten, so dinners have become quite celebratory.
Just in case I haven't attacked you with this yet, I spent the past year taking pictures of Sera. There's one picture for every day to commemorate her first year:

I have decided not to continue with the daily pictures for her second year. It was way more work than I had anticipated and it is getting harder and harder to be able to catch her in a good picture.
July 15: Sera's first steps! She started with two steps towards me. Subsequent attempts on July 16-18 resulted in Sera getting frustrated with me, folding on the floor in anger, and crying. She took a few steps on the 19th towards her day care teacher and Craig. On the 20th, she decided she was going to throw caution to the wind. She took a few steps in the living room and then went for a stroll around the kitchen.

She hasn't stopped since. This has opened a new world to her. She can chase Fred more (often in an effort to try and hug her). She can walk to doors and close them. She can now walk around the Children's Zoo and greet the goats. She can walk toys to me to engage in play. Her favorite game involves handing me a toy lemon, watching me pretend to take a bite, and then laughing hysterically when I make a sour face and toss the lemon in "disgust." She will then follow me around the house with the lemon, trying to get me to do it again and again. It apparently never gets old. (Just in case you're wondering. If I try to give Sera the lemon, she squeezes her mouth shut and turns away.)
July 18: Not a Sera milestone, but the 18th marked one month since my father's death. I have taken his passing so much harder than my mother's. My mother's death was the hardest time of my life and I honestly never thought it would get worse. But little can compare to the loneliness and emptiness that you feel when you realize that you no longer have parents. I mentioned this in my previous post and I had hoped that I could have said that this feeling fades, but it has only intensified. Every day, I am faced with some sad reminder of what I've lost: A dinner alone, a childhood stuffed animal, a talk with a veteran, my attempts at my father's blue cheese dressing, trying to mimic my mom's accent only to realize that I have trouble remembering it.
I wish I could better articulate how it feels, but it is indescribable. Its an awful, horrible feeling. Typically, I am pretty good about masking this stuff, but its hard to hide when I can't concentrate or remember anything or when I show up to work 20 minutes late because I got disoriented about what time I was supposed to start. I was also unprepared for the insomnia. I am usually a very good sleeper, but I find myself waking many times at night and feeling mildly frustrated and disoriented.
I'm hoping that this feeling will dissolve when we will be able to move on. Our ability to move on has been hindered by the 60 day delay before we can even start working on the estate, Arlington's cemetery's delay in scheduling the service, and the roadblocks we've faced to manage the cars, bills, and the house. I know there are numerous secondary losses to the deaths of my parents. Not only have we lost a mother and father, but we lost a wealth of life lessons and a future of grandparent memories. We will also be parting with the closest thing we've had to a childhood home and we'll watch as the components of that home are divided and separated. I find myself wanting to hold onto silly things, whose only sentimental value is that one of my parents once held them. I'm not sure if I can part with the silly green jingly pen or the wall sculpture of the man with the burrow. I now see how hoarding develops.
Craig and I have planned another trip home and there will surely be another one to follow. Each trip brings us closer to closure, but yet another hurdle to face.