Psychologists are not human lie detectors

To say that I have been feeling worried by the lack of communication these past few weeks is a gross understatement. Craig was becoming paranoid that the agency was pocketing our money. I was becoming fearful that we were being strung along. I had stumbled upon an woman who recently joined the domestic program and she was quoted a 9-12 month wait. It took several emails and phone calls, but I finally heard back from the adoption agency. She called my office, which is odd because she has always called my cell phone in the past (and has never called my office). Normally, I am not in the office Friday mornings, but thanks to my super busy schedule, I had to see a patient first thing Friday morning. Thankfully, I was here to see the agency's name on our caller ID.

She apologized repeatedly for her failure to respond to my numerous messages and explained that her office had left her short-staffed during spring break. I understand that she runs a nonprofit and will always be short-staffed, but still feel annoyed that she couldn't just send a quick email saying, "Hey, I'm really short-staffed and overwhelmed, but I'll get back to you." I remained assertive, but tried to be understanding. I tend to be a very polite individual (maybe it is my Canadian roots), so when someone does something annoying and apologizes, I typically respond with, "Its okay" even when its not. However, this time, I responded with "I understand, but...."

I finally had an opportunity to ask my "burning questions." If you recall, I had been confused by our most recent communication from the agency. When we originally joined the program, we were informed that the process would be the following:

• Submit profile book
• Receive birth mom profiles
• Approve/reject moms
• Choose mom
• Mom gets our profile book
• Mom approves/rejects
• If chosen, we send living expenses
• Pick up baby

However, apparently, the program has changed. Now, parents are ranked based upon when they joined the program and they show birth moms profiles based upon rank and birth mom's and adoption mom's preferences. We no longer have the opportunity to choose the birth moms first. It is the birth moms who choose us first and then we have the right to accept or reject the referral. Under the old plan, we had expected to get birth mom profiles early and to have several months to prepare. This would give me some time to prepare my patients and find someone to teach my classes for a bit. Under the new plan, they are waiting until late, late in the pregnancy to match and we could have maybe a few days or weeks to prepare. She explained that the new system is to benefit the potential adoptive parents. By waiting so long, we won't have to pay as much in living expenses. Additionally, in the domestic adoption world, moms who decide to place a baby for adoption earlier in a pregnancy have more time to change their mind (and the living expenses are not refundable).

Apparently, the couple ahead of us just matched and now we're "on top." She informed me that our profile is "getting a lot of action," a phrase that amuses me inexplicably in this context. She expects that we will be matched in 4-6 weeks. While this news initially sent my heart aflutter, the pessimist in me immediately began to wonder if this was all true or pandering because she could perceive that we were frustrated. I'm wondering if I have always been so paranoid or if its just the adoption that's doing it.

I immediately called Craig and informed him of the news. He also expressed the cautious optimism that I possessed. He asked me, "Do you think she's telling me the truth?" I honestly don't know. As a psychologist, I am sometimes more observant than others, but I'm not a lie detector. Part of me wants to be hopeful and wishes that she was telling the truth. However, I have this nagging suspicion that she was just telling me what I wanted to hear.

In the end, the agency offered to call or email weekly and let me know what social worker has our book and how many birth moms looked at our profile (there are 12 presently in the program). I'll keep you posted and let you know if she does what she promised. I guess that's really the only way I can detect a lie now.