I have a confession to make. I have depression and anxiety. Specifically, I have been diagnosed with Dysthymic Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I experience a lot of self-doubt and I am easily overwhelmed. I sometimes feels sad for no reason and I cry easily. I have a difficult time concentrating and I frequently feel distracted. I have few recreational interests and I often have to force myself to perform simple tasks. However, my depression or anxiety has never interfered with my work and I am able to live a very normal life despite of it. Yes, psychologists can experience depression and anxiety, too. We are not immune, much like medical doctors are not immune from the flu or cancer. We're human, too.
I know I have experienced these problems since childhood, but I have always concealed them or rationalized them away as minor stress or an adjustment to infertility and adoption. At times, I have been good at putting on a very happy front, but continued to feel distraught and overwhelmed inside. It wasn't until my 20s that I sought treatment. I briefly attended counseling, but the counselor felt that my symptoms were so mild, I could manage them independently. I have taken Zoloft, Wellbutrin, and Celexa in the past (though not all at once), but was instructed to stop taking everything so it didn't interfere with the adoption.
You may be wondering why I am making this confession. Because someone has to. With the shootings at Sandy Hook, we are left with the nagging question... "Why?" We are confused and bereft. We feel that we are losing control over our world and our sense of safety. When we lose that sense of control, we immediately seek solutions and answers. For the past four days, I have watched numerous news reports about stricter gun control and the role mental illness may have played in this horrific event. So, where do we go from here? What is the solution? Maybe this problem cannot be solved systemically or politically. Maybe we need to look within ourselves, within others and ask how we reached this point. The news has been hypothesizing that Adam Lanza was mentally ill and has been pondering if he showed any signs or why he never sought help. However, our society holds such a stigma towards mental illness that we never talk about it and we are ashamed of it. Did you realize that the lifetime prevalence of anxiety is 28% and the lifetime prevalence for any mood disorder is 20%? But who talks about it? And why don't we talk about it? It is because most of the general population does not tolerate differences. We shun those who don't fit the mold and taunt them for this individuality. Many people do not understand mental illness and they're afraid of it because they are ill-informed. Some hold the stereotype that people with mental illness are irrational, unpredictable, and violent (when statistically, those with mental illness are no more violent than the general population). Rather than embracing these individuals and supporting them, we avoid them. In this society, why would you seek help? Why would you want to talk to others about it? Why would you come out of the mental illness closet? Because mental illnesses, such as depression and anxiety are a social death sentence, a modern day Scarlet letter. We can only hypothesize, but maybe senseless crimes like Sandy Hook, Aurora, CO, and Tucson would be less common if those individuals felt more free to seek help or if people could provide a more open dialogue about how normal mental illness can be. So, I am starting that dialogue with me (actually Glenn Close started this movement years ago and I encourage you to check out her efforts).
(as a side note, for a very funny, yet all too familiar description of depression, please check out this Hyperbole and a Half post. The entire blog is wonderful and one of my favorites, but this post seems very familiar to me)
The past four days, I have spent many moments in reflection and came to the realization that I, too, have been ashamed of my chronic depression and anxiety and I have concealed it for years. I have been contributing to the societal problem that we should hide and ignore mental illness. So, I am coming forth now and I encourage others to do the same. Share this post if you want. Post it around the world. For I am no longer ashamed and if someone doesn't start talking about how normal it is to be abnormal, we will never grow, never improve as a society.
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